Testament

My upbringing was hindered by victimization and trauma. The two most important people in my life at the time met my need for safety and love. With disrespect and neglect. I wasn’t seen nor was I heard I lacked proper education and became distant from everyone. Love for me was a very hateful word. I did not trust it. It became very clear to me that if you loved me then you were going to hurt me. So growing up into a teenager, assuming that I was already a man. I would hurt you before you had the ability to hurt me. I was very depressed and with a lot of anger issues that I stormed through my childhood, reaching to others for acceptance and their approval.

Filling my need of protection and a family, I started to make very bad choices which led me to gangbanging, doing drugs, and disrespecting the community that I was in. I was a very insecure and immature child. My anger which led to rage was the fuel that drove my impulsive and reckless behavior. I got lost in trying to fit in that I did callous acts of violence with zero regards of remorse. I despise that person that I once was today. Because today I do not live in that path. Today I have taken complete responsibility and I am accountable for all of my past choices that led to traumatizing and victimizing so many human beings. I am accountable for the thinking and behavior that led to me taking an innocent life from her family. And also for trying to take an innocent young man’s life. I drove a spear through their family’s heart. A terrible choice that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I am currently doing a life term for my choices. A sentence that I know deserves a much deeper punishment. For years I threw my life away in prison. My insecurity and the need to be accepted was still hindering my growth. I was still that scared little boy. But not today.

Because today I am someone who loves himself, someone who cares and has empathy, and through empathy I have developed compassion. I no longer hinder my walk. I prosper with ways that lift my character into a light that shows love and understanding. I live my amends in a good way, by living a life of accountability, integrity, sobriety, and by not making poor choices that I once did. Which in return allows me to continue to be an asset to life rather than hinder it. My name is Cesar Nava, and I stand before you a man that will give you the shirt off his back. Not because I can withstand the cold, But because it’s the least I can do to pay things forward.